sawcebox

Wah wah I want to buy stuff wah wah.

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 01:27:00 -0400

For the past few summers there’s been this realiable trend of me staying up later than I meant to (I wanted to be asleep by 11:30), basking in this as inglorious as can be heat, daydreaming of the fall and buying tights and knit hats and sweaters and cardigans and mittens and scarves, etc.

I really could be a very stylish lady if my funds allowed. Not that I am unstylish now, but I am not really even up to my own standards. Living in the no man’s land between Bushwick and Billysburg that is East Williamsburg has made me all the more sensitive to the fact that I can’t get away with just walking to the store in with my hair thrown up in a pair of bike shorts and a Dio shirt. Although I guess my frumpiness can pass for a type of lackadaisical fashion irony that maybe I’m even pioneering on my Coke Zero runs. But I know that I’m just being lazy.

There’s also just something about this time of year that makes me want to revamp my wardrobe. Maybe I’m a sucker for Back to School marketing, but growing up in a very working class household, I only got a few new clothes once a year, and that was in those last few days of summer. I plan on working my butt off (metaphorically, because I plan to keep my butt), so that I spoil myself for my “Back to School” season this fall when I start grad school. Here’s some fashion blog inspiration:

The above pics are of Sonia, the adorable lady behind Anomalous Allure who I found posting on Fatshionista and thus spent a few, oh I dunno, hours combing through her adorable looks. SO jealous of her thrift store finds. I miss thrift stores!

MessyCarla!

So now I really wanna go shopping. Things I must get this fall:

A nice pair of boots that will survive the winter but also look cute. I am thinking I’m gonna splurge and get some mid-calf Naturalizer boots. Or more realistically, I have been contemplating black 14-eye Doc Marten boots for awhile.
Many scarves. Not like knitted scarves, but while I’m in Buffalo, I wanna find as many neck scarves as possible. I ended up losing most of my collection when I moved the first time and I miss them. :(
Tights!!!!!! We Love Colors will probably supply them.
Cardigans. Buttoned, loose fronts, any type at all, every color imaginable, whatever the hell I can afford.
Big, billowy knit hats. I think this compliments my long hair pretty well.
Cat eye glasses. I’ve been trying to score some on eBay for weeks and I keep getting outbid.
Accessories…. Forever21, I am your bitch.
Belts. See above examples!

Alright. I’m pretty much done being a girl here. I think I actually am finally tired enough to get some sleep so I can wake up in the morning and, yanno, earn some of the money that will supposedly pay for some of this crap.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-18)

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 09:47:12 -0400

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-18):

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

Murphy's law

Sun, 18 Jul 2010 03:42:05 -0400

I’ve had health insurance that has covered “dental emergencies” for about three years now, with the last of it ending a few weeks ago (currently insurance-free). I’ve needed serious dental work for a lot longer than three years, but I haven’t considered any of it a dental emergency because I haven’t had serious pain outside of some tooth sensitivity that lasts a minute or two, and I never wanted to go that route because it doesn’t cover crowns and if you need a route canal, you’re just sort of left with the damaged tooth once it’s over and done with. But my pain-free days of dental issues are over. I am pretty sure that my teeth found out I am no longer insured, and they decided that they would just rot right the fuck out of my skull, and while they were at it, they would just make my face hurt really fucking bad in the process.

What a bunch of assholes. There is not enough ibuprofen in the world for this.

It can be your birthday every day.

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 01:35:00 -0400

You know what your problem is? You hold yourself back too much. I don’t just mean in conversation, but from things in life you want to do or from experiences that would just feel really good. For example, you used to talk about how you wanted to hit the open road/join that band/write that novel/live that dream when you were younger, but you never could. But I know you had your reasons. Everyone always has their reasons.

While love is something you take your time at and you nurture, there is this other part of love that is hurried. There is a part of love that is rushed, if you’re doing it right anyway. Love makes you into a kid who wants his dessert before dinner. There’s this part of love that makes you want to burst, this part that sometimes makes you want to cry, sometimes makes you smile when you think about that person when you’re walking down the street and makes you want to tell everyone you pass why you’re smiling. “I’m in love!”

Love, love, love, love, love, it’s a word so many are afraid of. It’s a word I’ve said to a lot of people—probably to people I didn’t actually love I guess in the true sense of the word. But I never didn’t mean it. I truly thought I loved that person. I truly felt love at that moment. And what’s the harm in love? Years later, I have no regrets. Broken hearts, and all, they’re usually worth it.

So, when you hold yourself back like this, when you tell yourself you got to take it slow, what you don’t realize is you are sleeping through the party. Your party. Your own surprise birthday party, every single day. That’s what being in love feels like. You wanna tell the person you love happy birthday (or “I love you” or another expression thereof whether it’s a kiss, hug, whathaveyou) whenever you get the chance. It’s not like the party isn’t happening. It’s on, right in front of you, right next to you, right in your arms, while you snooze away. Little do you know, there’s cake. There’s balloons.

Wake up.

"It’s not the bullet that kills you. It’s the hole"

Thu, 15 Jul 2010 00:35:27 -0400

“It’s not the bullet that kills you. It’s the hole”

- Laurie Anderson

LOOK WHAT I TAUGHT MYSELF TO DO TODAY. Still not 100% there yet,...

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 21:13:53 -0400

LOOK WHAT I TAUGHT MYSELF TO DO TODAY. Still not 100% there yet, but practice makes perfect. In case you were wondering how I learned, of course, the answers were found on YouTube.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-11)

Tue, 13 Jul 2010 11:04:55 -0400

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-11):

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

What's so funny about peace, love and understanding?

Fri, 09 Jul 2010 16:11:00 -0400

People are assholes. No, really. People, in general, are not very nice. We judge each other, and we just rarely give each other the benefit of the doubt. We are rude to each other, and then we people are rude to us, we don’t take a moment to ever understand that perhaps the rudeness is coming from a place that has more to do with that person’s pain than any personal reflection on you (which it typically is, so why do we all sweat is so much?).

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I had this weird moment last week where I was working in my living room. My roommate had a friend over and they were talking. I had my earbuds in, but whatever record I was listening to was over. I didn’t mean to listen in on their conversation, but it’s not like it was a personal one or anything. Rather, it was a pretty loud conversation about anti-depressants. Specifically about how anti-depressants are wrong, wrong, wrong, wrong. I can’t imagine they assumed I couldn’t hear them. Their conversation made a lot of assumptions. 1) People who take anti-depressants do so without much thought. 2) They take them out of weakness. 3) There are plenty of other viable options to treat mental illness.

I almost exploded. I bit my tongue, but seriously, I almost exploded. It was this type of postulating that made me go without anti-depressants for years. If you have not ever had a major case of depression or you have not had extensive training in psychology, don’t talk about this stuff. Ever. (And even if you have had personal experience with it, your experience will not look like everyone else’s) And don’t talk about this stuff in front of someone you barely know, because the chances are, that person is on anti-depressants. And I am. And I can assure you it was not a decision I took lightly. It took months of thinking, and worrying, and panicking before I realized, maybe I should try taking medication. If it helps me get out of bed in the morning, it might be worth it. And it’s not out of weakness. It takes a whole lot of strength to tackle something as stigmatized as mental illness, medicated or not.

Finally, what other viable options? They were speaking mainly about Eastern medication, things such as meditation and the like, which I know helps out a lot of people, including some pretty close to me. But it’s not exactly like we live in a society that is accepting of meditation. It’s not like if I am at work and I am having a depressive mood swing that I can just be like “Yo boss, I am going to book a conference room and meditate for an hour, lates.”

Truthfully, overhearing the conversation in my home of all places made me feel pretty alienated. I struggle enough with the fact that yes, I have to take medication to live my every day life. I don’t understand why someone, who has never experienced what I’ve experienced, feels like they are in a place to make a statement that says what I do is either right or wrong.

I think we all just need to realize that people, with the exception of a very itty bitty percentage, are not inherently bad. We also are not stupid. I just wish we all could trust each other a little more. And that’s saying a lot coming from me.

*For the record, I think my roommate is really cool and nice. To keep in the spirit of the rest of this post, I realize that she probably wasn’t think about how what she was saying could hurt someone who was on anti-depressants, and she probably had never heard that perspective. She’s the type of person, who I’m sure if she found this, would be receptive and open about it. For what it’s worth.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-4)

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 17:50:25 -0400

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-7-4):

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

robot-heart If I ever get married, I kind of want a dress that...

Fri, 02 Jul 2010 02:49:24 -0400

robot-heart

If I ever get married, I kind of want a dress that looks like this, pearls and all. Or like that other one I have picked out.

….what?

Photo

Thu, 01 Jul 2010 14:20:59 -0400

If they stop loving you, I won’t stop loving you. If they...

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 23:57:00 -0400

If they stop loving you, I won’t stop loving you. If they stop needing you, I’ll still need you, my dear.

"People who are exposed early to violence or neglect come to expect it as a way of life. They see the..."

Tue, 29 Jun 2010 11:56:53 -0400

“People who are exposed early to violence or neglect come to expect it as a way of life. They see the chronic helplessness of their mothers and fathers’ alternating outbursts of affection and violence; they learn that they themselves have no control. As adults they hope to undo the past by love, competency, and exemplary behavior. When they fail they are likely to make sense out of this situation by blaming themselves. When they have little experience with nonviolent resolution of differences, partners in relationships alternate between an expectation of perfect behavior leading to perfect harmony and a state of helplessness, in which all verbal communication seems futile. A return to earlier coping mechanisms, such as self-blame, numbing (by means of emotional withdrawal or drugs or alcohol), and physical violence sets the stage for a repetition of the childhood trauma and ‘return of the repressed.’”

- Bessel A. van der Kolk, MD, “The Compulsion to Repeat the Trauma: Re-enactment, Revictimization, and Masochism”

Apparently I am the poster child for attachment theory.

cakecrumbs | coreena | noheadnoheart | theamazingtwins I love...

Tue, 15 Jun 2010 00:53:00 -0400

cakecrumbs | coreena | noheadnoheart | theamazingtwins

I love seeing ugly people in love and all makey-outey on the subway almost as much as I love seeing fat people in love and makey-outey on the subway. Fat ugly people are my favorite.

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-6-13)

Mon, 14 Jun 2010 19:52:11 -0400

My Top 5 Artists (Week Ending 2010-6-13):

Imported from Last.fm Tumblr by JoeLaz

Why I Am Doomed to Failure.

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 16:12:59 -0400

I forgot to take my medication last night, and thus I canceled all of today’s plans and have sat here in a cloud of self-pity, relentlessly researching Why I Am Doomed to Failure all day on the internet. The conclusions I’ve come to is that I will probably end up living in a gutter, drowning in student loan debt, and I will never be a good enough girlfriend, I am not as smart as I think I am and I am a terrible daughter.

This is ridiculous, and I’ll be fine tomorrow because I have to get out of bed to go to work (no other choice, and this is a good thing). Tuesday, Drake and Hanson (yes, motherfucking Hanson) are playing a show together, and so that should be really fucking weird, weird enough to cheer me up. I am sick of the rainy weather though. But like that piece of shit said on 4^th Avenue last night, “Smile, it could be worse.” (I really hate it when people tell me to smile. But yeah, it could be and it has been a lot worse).

silentsigh | debbipete | heyfatchick | therotund | Amanda...

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 01:15:20 -0400

silentsigh | debbipete | heyfatchick | therotund | Amanda Chronister

REPOST. I can’t not. Somehow not surprised that he...

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 01:08:00 -0400

REPOST. I can’t not. Somehow not surprised that he isn’t in the national news. :(

Summer goals.

Sun, 13 Jun 2010 00:42:00 -0400

Since my depression isn’t nearly as debilitating in the summer as it is in the winter, I tend to get way more shit done during the warmer months. This means PROJECTS! Last summer I started a lot of stuff that I didn’t quite finish. Some of it isn’t worth finishing anymore. But anyway, here’s a long list of things I really want to do creatively before grad school begins in September.

Finish a 20-page comic. I’ve decided to ditch the panels because that’s just NOT how I operate. I am much more Julia Wertz/The Fart Party’s single panels in my style (unfortunately not in my execution). I want to make a small cartoon every day at least. I was doing this a lot towards the end of my senior year in college, and I came up with some great stuff. Unfortunately all of that stuff has been lost in the many moves I’ve gone through over the past year. Total bummer. It documented some incredibly awkward moments of my reintroduction to the single life and My First Real Crush since I met Eric in 2002 (how fucking sad is that). I basically acted like a total asshole, as many of you will remember. Oh man. Still love that dude so much, glad we are BFF4Ls.
Write more short stories. I haven’t written a story since I took a creative writing class back in 2007. This is so pathetic. I have a really good story brewing in my mind that is half-autobiographical about a middle school girl. I really want to explore the concept of Fandom and how a puritanical society meets hormones and creates these obsessive, fanatical phenomena we know as Justin Bieber, The Jonas Brothers, or to really throw it back for y’all, Hanson, The Backstreet Boys and N*Sync (or even Elvis and The Beatles). I think it’s such a huge part of the American hetero-female identity. This is something I’d love to expand into a novel. I really want it to be sort of a love letter to my 12 year old self, because I really didn’t love myself enough back then. I really was at my peak, too.
Create and foster penpal relationships. I’m looking at you, Emily. I got half way through making you a pretty amazing response to your amazingly thoughtful Christmas gift, but then my good friend Seasonal Affective Disorder made me sort of hate doing anything ever, so I never finished it and now 90% of it is out of date, and now I actually kind of hate what I made. Also, Eileen, one of my besties, is never online, which is the main way I keep up with most of my Buffalo friends, not to mention the fact that she is artsy-fartsy as all hell so I am really missing out by not exchanging sweet-ass packages with her on the reg.

That’s basically it. I have plenty of other goals in terms of crap I want to do (such as READ MORE), but that’s another post. If you have any tips on good ways to Get Shit Done And Not Waste Your Life Twiddling Your Thumbs, please share. Unfortunately, losing internet access is not an option. :*(

Bullying and suicide.

Sat, 12 Jun 2010 20:43:00 -0400

Okay, I’m about to get serious here.

A new study came out about teen suicide and bullying. It’s findings show that “as many as 44% of suicides committed by young people in the UK are due to bullying.”

I quoted the study because, as much as I think fighting bullying is a valiant and important effort (and I say so as someone who was bullied myself as a teen), I think that using this language may be misguided. I do not believe that any suicides can be pinpointed to any one action or person and by saying that the suicides are “due to bullying” is erroneous. Suicidality is much more complex than that, and I think that this is doing teens who are obviously suffering from serious mental health issues a huge disservice.

Granted, I do believe that bullying can in many instances push teens over the edge, and I do think that efforts to end bullying which has seemed to become much more heinous throughout the years is very important. And of course, there are the extreme situations where the bullying is so out of hand that I could see how the bullying itself could trigger an episode of depression, but I highly doubt that this is how it works the majority of the time. I just think this singular focus on the reason why these teens commit suicide really absolves parents and guardians of responsibility to become involved in these children’s lives and to get them the help they deserve and need before it’s too late. It’s placing far too much of the blame on other children, who are obviously suffering from mental health issues themselves.